Seven weeks ago, I lost a baby. I was ten weeks pregnant. This is not something I ever thought I would write about or share publically. Even stranger, I never thought Beyonce’ and Jay-Z would inspire me to do it!
In his new song, “Glory”, Jay-Z writes, “last time the miscarriage was so tragic/ we was afraid you’d disappear but nah baby you magic /.”
I’m proud of this famously private couple for sharing something so personal and painful. I, like so many of you, get it.
It was less than two months ago that my dreams for my second child were ripped away. At ten weeks, you start to relax a little in your pregnancy. You are only two weeks away from the “magical” 12th week, the time when doctors say your chance of a miscarriage decreases substantially. My pregnancy appeared to be going very smoothly. My bellybutton had already “popped” , something that also happened early on with when I was pregnant with my son. I had all the “normal” pregnancy symptoms, like nausea and fatigue and my first doctor’s appointment at eight weeks, went very well. That’s why my husband and I were so shocked when I went in for my ultrasound, only to learn the baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing.
The feelings are still raw. I feel that I let my baby down. This precious being was in my care and under my watch, something went fatally wrong. Was it the occasional cup of coffee I drank? We moved into a new house shortly after I found out I was pregnant…did I lift something too heavy that caused me to lose our baby? Did I not eat enough vegetables? The questions go on and on.
It’s a strange sadness. I felt, and still do feel, like a lost a child. My due date was June 13th. We talked about names and we had a strong feeling the baby was a girl. I remember my husband saying to me, “Honey, we will meet this baby when we get to Heaven.” I believe he’s right. Our baby was alive and is now with God.
In the past seven weeks, I’ve learned a few things. Through talks with my doctor, I have now come to accept I did nothing wrong. I’ve also learned that I’m in a sorority with many, many women who have suffered through miscarriages. It’s a tough hazing into motherhood! I’m sharing this with you, not to throw a pity-party, but to simply open the discussion. Thank-you Beyonce’ and Jay-Z for giving me the courage.
On a side note, this was actually my second miscarriage. The first happened in 2009, before my son was born. It was a totally different scenario because I miscarried before I even knew I was pregnant. Though it was difficult, I wasn’t emotionally invested in the pregnancy, since it started and stopped before I knew what was going on. Since my miscarriages weren’t back to back and I had a healthy baby boy in between, my doctor doesn’t think there is anything wrong with me. However, I am now taking 400 mcg of folic acid in addition to my pre-natal vitamins, just as extra security. We are not ready to try again for a baby just yet, but when we do, hopefully my body will be ready.